origins and new wishes

the girl who inspired me to write this blog told me her mama used to put letters into her lunch box. and i remember thinking, i wish my mother loved me.

i wish my mother packed a lunch box for me. i wish my mother cared whether or not i ate food.

i wish my mother wrote letters to put into my lunch box.

i wish i had a mom.

the girl who inspired me to write this blog no longer speaks to me. she has her own trauma, i have mine. we were friends for a little while. she went on her own adventures and as far as i know she is doing fantastic, amazing, living her best life. i am happy for her.

thank you for inspiring me to write this. thank you for letting me revisit this, all these years later. thank you for sharing some school days with me. for showing me what a happy childhood might look like. what it looked like, for moments. however scarce.

to my mother:

i believe you when you say you did your best. i need you to know that your best was not enough. not even close. thank you for trying. i hope you get the help and healing you need, too. i hope you are okay now. i hope your other children are still on speaking terms with you. and if they are not, i hope you understand why you are alone.

to all the motherless daughters:
we raised ourselves. i hope you make it. i hope you live. i hope you learn how to mother yourself, and i hope you grow up knowing that you are worthy and deserving of unconditional love and compassion. you are worthy of care, of kindness, of respect.

i hope you learn how to give love that is unconditional, and not masochistic. it looks similar, but there is a difference between unconditional love and masochistic love. love will sometimes hurt, but not always. love cannot be earned, only freely given and received. you cannot love someone who is hurting you and stay with them. love them and yourself enough to leave them. it does not serve you or them to let them continue to cause you harm.

give the love you hope to receive, and know that you never have to earn it. you deserve it because you are a person. you deserve for your existence to be celebrated. be glad you are alive.

i am glad you are alive, even if we never meet again.

my new wish, my only wish, my always wish:

  i wish for everyone to treat everyone with unconditional compassion from now until forever backdated to the beginning of time

The llamas.

Because of you, for a whole year, "llamas" was my favorite word.

The wish.

What I wish for every time I make a wish, is just for only good, kind things to ever happen to anyone ever again for the rest of forever. For things to get better, for everyone. For no more suffering or hurt or pain.

The staying.

It's so easy to run away. It's so hard to stay.

I miss you.

I wish that I could be there to rescue you ever time you needed to be rescued. I wish that I would hear you when you cry for help, and always be there to come running. I wish I could save you when you don't even realize you're in danger.

Make it not true.

I wished for all of the sad things to not be true.

The shortness of life.

I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to reach out, and hold your hand. I didn't, I wasn't brave enough. Life is so short, too short to not reach out and hold your hand.

Even the mountains seem less tall.

I remember first stepping into this town. I had a backpack, a pair of shoes, and a lot of dreams.

Now, the trees seem smaller. Even the mountains seem less tall. And my feet feel farther away.

I hope you have the experience of growing out of a place, and needing to put on your walking shoes. And I also hope you'll never have that experience.

You exist.

I just want you to know, you are wonderful. I'm so glad you're in the world.

Occupy.

Stand up. Speak out. Stay warm.

The wishing well.

Do wishes really not come true if you tell someone what you wished for? Where did that superstition come from? Did someone make a wish, keep it a secret, and it came true? I wonder if wishes you tell people come true.

It seems more likely to me that if you tell people what you wished for, it would come true. The more you talk about it, write it down, think about it, the more likely it is you'll be focused on what you wish, and you'll make it come true.

Right?

A big house.

I wish I had a big house where we all could live. One day I will. And whenever you have nowhere to go, and you're scared, you can come stay with me. You can stay forever, if you want.

Our tragedy.

I can't tell you to appreciate what you have. You've never been without it, how would you ever be able to understand its value?

I can't tell you that it's possible to miss something you've never had. There's nothing you've never had that hurts so much it's like a hole in your heart. You've never been nostalgic for places you've never been, and you've never missed people you've never known.

You will never understand, and that is your tragedy. But I can't know what it's like not to understand, and that is mine.

Money, love, and freedom.

I wish we could all get paid to do something we love and would do for free.

Secrets, again.

I hope that all your secrets are wonderful things, that you can't wait to tell the world, and is hard for you not to say.

I hope you don't have any dark secrets or sad news secrets.

Mostly, I hope you don't have to keep any secrets.

Patience.

I'm not very patient. I don't know how to be. And the closer I get to whatever I'm impatient about, the less patient I get.

I hope you have patience. It makes waiting far more bearable.

Mistakes.

It's ok to make mistakes, as long as you grow and learn from them. Some people never will. Don't get angry about it. Smile to yourself and think, how much I'll grow, and how much they'll never know.

Wish.

If I had only one wish, I would wish for more wishes. And if I couldn't wish for more wishes, I'd wish for the ability to grant an infinite amount of wishes to other people. And if I couldn't wish for that either, I'd wish for a cessation of all suffering for the rest of forever and backdated to the beginning of time.

Trust.

"You can tell me anything," people say. "I won't judge you. I won't think any differently of you. You can trust me."

But people are people. And they can't know what they'll do or how they'll react.

Home.

I want to go home.

The texture.

I want to take off my shoes and walk on the grass. I want to walk barefoot on the sandy beaches. I want to walk into the ocean and never walk back.

Beautiful and ugly.

Life is beautiful and life is ugly.

Secrets.

I hate keeping secrets from you.

Marionette.

Sometimes I wish I was a marionette, a puppet on strings. And never have to be in control or make my own decisions again. Life is full of tough choices, and I don't want to face them.

Hopscotch.

Did you ever play hopscotch when you were a kid?

Whistle.

Teach me how to whistle.

Share.

If only we could all learn to share, I think we'd make a huge step towards making the world a better place.

Answers.

I wish there were always answers. I wish the right choice was always obvious.

So shine in this weary world.

I hope one day someone is nice to you, and helps you out, for no other reason than that they have compassion and want to do something good in this weary world.

Don't get your hopes up.

Try not to get your hopes up.

I know, it's easier said than done. But seriously, getting your hopes up just leads to disappointment and hurt.

The meant-to.

I meant to say something more to you. I meant to hold onto you for longer. I meant to hold your hand. I meant to take you to fly kites with me. I meant to play chess with you. I meant to call you spontaneously, or show up at your door. I meant to give you a gift. I meant to read you a story. I meant to do so many things, and now we're out of time.

If you mean to do something, do it. We don't have much time.

The things you don't want to do.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. And I'm sorry about that. But just remember, it won't be like this forever.

Songs and smiles.

Listen to the songs that make you smile today.

Help.

Help those in need. You never know when you'll be on the other side, and be the one who needs help.

Hope.

It's so easy to lose hope, and so hard to get it back again. Hold onto hope, with everything you have left.

The far away and the close by.

It's the people you love who feel so far away. It's the people who you wish you never met that always feel so close by. Why is that?

Music.

Someone said this before I did, but it's true, so I'll say it again:

Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

The differences.

Sometimes I think we're so much the same. We all laugh, cry. We all need shelter, food, water. Love. We all want for nothing bad to happen to us.

And sometimes I think, we're so different. We have such different reasons for laughing or crying. We have such different experiences that we cannot connect, ever. And that's what makes the bad things happen in this world.

Summer and autumn.

I can't believe the summer's fading. I can taste the chill of goodbye in the air. Autumn approaches, bringing with her the tears of the ending of things.

I want to thank you, so much.

I would not be where I am today if I had not had a single person help me along the way. And I don't mean big help. It's the little things that made the most difference. Just saying, "You're smart, well-read, and you're going places." Just saying, "You're worth so much more than you know."

Or just holding my hand. Going on an adventure with me. Giving me a place to stay. You'll never know what you have done to alter the course of my life for the better. But I want you to know that you have, and I am so grateful. I want you to know that you changed this world for the better. Yes, you.

Tell me a joke.

Tell me a joke. I want a reason to laugh again.

Life and worth living.

Goodbyes almost make you want to to avoid love. When you love someone, it hurts when you have to part ways. It hurts so much, the pain doesn't seem worth living through.

But a life without love is unquestionably a life not worth living through.

The bitterness.

Don't ever let what you've been through make you bitter. If you've made it through what you've made it through, I'm happy. I'm glad you're that strong. But do not look at the people who are struggling and can't climb to where you are, and tell them, "I made it. So can you."

Not everyone is you.

The memories.

Happy memories hurt far more than sad ones do. Happy memories hurt even more than scary memories. You wake up from nightmares and realize you're safe now. But you wake up from a dream of a happy memory, and you realize that time has gone. And you won't ever get it back.

The worst part.

I hate goodbyes. Let's never say goodbye. I miss you already and it hurts.

It's what you don't have.

It's what you don't have that hurts the most.

They set cities on fire.

Sometimes I want to write a letter to people who hurt other people, who make bad choices, who hate. But then I realize, they would never read it. They set cities on fire, what's a piece of paper?

Robots.

Remember the robots on rooftops? And you said, "I want to see a zombie-robot war." And I said, "I don't want to see war anymore." And you said, "I love you." Remember?

Time.

Where did the time go? How is it that my feet are so far away? Let's go backwards, let's stop time. I'm afraid of the summer ending.

Specific place.

I don't want to be in any specific place. I just want to be with you.

Wake up, you're safe.

I hope that you have someone in your life who will wake you up when you're having a nightmare.

Believing in.

What do I believe in? I believe in music. I believe in love. I believe in flying kites and saying no and saying yes and I believe in you.

I don't have the words.

I want to tell you a story, but I don't have the words.

To be born again, first you have to die.

I love you, and I will never forget you. But sometimes people just have to run away, disappear, start over, make a new beginning. You may never understand, and I hope you never have to.

Someplace safe.

Can I tell you a secret? Can I leave a secret in your lunch box letter today?

I don't want anymore adventures. I just want to be someplace safe.

Empty houses.

There shouldn't be empty houses when people have no homes.

What I can give you.

If I had a house, I'd let anyone live with me who needed a safe, warm place. If I had a car, I'd drive you wherever you needed to go. If I had money, I'd buy you whatever you needed.

But I don't have these things. I can give you a hug, I can give you my ears and listen to whatever you need to say. I can give you love.

The shape of those words.

I wanted to tell you I love you, but I couldn't remember the shape of those words. So I didn't say anything when I walked out of your life forever.

I wonder if you'd want to know me, now, so many years away from then.

Fairy tales and candles.

Let's light candles and read fairy tales.

Peter Pan

When I first read Peter Pan, I was so distraught at the end. Why did the kids leave Neverland and go back to this sad, terrible world? I would've stayed in Neverland.

Why didn't Peter Pan come to my window?

Where have you been?

I haven't seen you for a while. We haven't talked. Where have you been? I miss you.

Bad dreams and stories.

If I have a bad dream, and I can't go back to sleep, can I wake you up, and would you tell me a story?

Pinata.

I've never experienced a pinata before. I'm not sure it sounds very happy. I mean, let's build a beautiful, colorful, pinata and put happy, wonderful things inside of it and then... we beat it with sticks?

Maybe if we made a Death Star pinata, or a Voldemort pinata, then it would be ok.

Paper and string.

All we need is paper and string. Let's make kites and go fly them.

Jokes.

What's your favorite joke? I wish I could always tell you funny stories and anecdotes and make you laugh and cheer you up when you are sad.

I'm sorry though, I don't know any jokes.

Wanderlust.

What happened to that list of places you wanted to travel to? Where did your sense of wanderlust go? Let's just go. Let's leave tomorrow.

A story about friendship.

Once upon a time, everyone was friends with everyone else. And no one fought. There were no arguments, no fights. There wasn't any hate between people. Everyone got along, and they held hands and sang songs and told each other stories.

But one day everything changed. A shadow came over the land, and darkness filled the hearts of the people. People started keeping secrets, fighting with each other, and people stopped being friends with everyone.

Now people aren't friends with everyone. There are fights and arguments, people betray and hurt others. Friendships die. And because this isn't a fairy tale, but real life, that's the way things will stay until people decide to live differently than they are.

Explore.

Let's go exploring!

My plan for today.

Let's go play on the swings. And if it rains, let's go dance in the storm.

Bicycles and lemonade stands.

Let's ride bicycles through town and get lemonade at the stand at the corner. Let's sit on the sidewalk and guess at the stories of the people who pass by. Let's make today last forever.

We make this world.

We make this world. Yes, we do, all of us. You and me, and all of our friends. So let's make it better.

Which path?

Who do you turn to when you need advice? What helps you decide on a direction? Have you ever felt completely torn, with a whole array of possible paths before you?

Thoughts of summer.

What makes you think of summer? For me, it's music and peppers and thunderstorms and swing sets and dandelions. It's bonfires and peaches and blue skies and bird songs. It's porch swings and friends and laughter and stories.

The parts to remember.

Remember the best parts. Forget about the parts that hurt.

Let's go.

If I wanted to leave today, would you leave with me?

Imaginaryland

Let's just run away and live in Imaginaryland.

Music in the streets.

Let's make music in the streets.

I wish we were with us.

I wish we were with us, together, in the same place. But let's not waste time wishing that. Let's just remember the times that we were.

Don't worry about the letting go.

Don't waste time worrying about what you'll have to let go. Just be happy for what you have, while you have it.

Spontaneous adventure.

I hope one day you have the opportunity to go off on a spontaneous adventure. Don't hesitate. Don't look back.

Sunrise.

Let's go outside and stay up talking until sunrise.

The anger.

It's scary when people get angry. So I hope no one ever gets angry with you.

The greed monster.

Once upon a time there were houses for everyone. And no one was ever too cold, and no one ever froze to death in the streets. There were houses for everyone. And there was no one left out, and there was plenty of food. And everyone shared. Everyone had a place to call home.

And then one day a monster started eating all the houses and the food and even some of the people. The monster wanted everything for himself. And the people in this land had to fight, and they killed the monster. But the monster's spirit lived on and it lived inside of the spirits of the people. And people didn't want to share anymore. People didn't want everyone to be taken care of. People wanted more for themselves, and more than anyone else had, and they didn't want to share.

And the spirit of that monster lives inside of most people these days. Try to fight the greed monster. And maybe one day, everyone will be warm and safe again.

The movies.

I hope that if you go to the movies, even if it's an awful movie, you're with awesome friends.

Candlelight and music.

And we lit candles and listened to music on vinyl and all was well in the world.

Coconuts.

Remember Coconut Night?

Safe place with no bad dreams.

I hope you always have a safe place to sleep at night. And I hope you never have bad dreams.

The worry.

I hope no one has to worry about you.

A game of chess and souls.

Once upon a time there was a traveler who met a man in black a little off the crossroads, under a tree. And the weary traveler asked the man if he might sit by him in the shade beneath the tree.

The man said, "Of course. Have a seat. Rest." And the weary traveler sat down under the tree. The man in black said, "Tell me, traveler, what is it you want most in this world?"

"I want a home, a place to stay and rest forever," said the weary traveler. "Ask a man in the desert what he wants, he'll say water. Ask a prisoner, he'll say freedom. Ask a traveler, and he will say permanence and home."

"Tell you what," said the man in black, and he pulled out a chess board from a satchel. "Let's play a game of chess. And if you win, all that you dream of will come true."

"And if I lose?" asked the weary traveler.

The man in black smiled and his eyes seemed to grow darker. "Then you lose your soul."

There are monsters.

I wish I could be there to tell you that there are no monsters, that you're safe, and all the doors are locked, and that nothing bad will ever happen again.

But I realize, even if I was there, I couldn't tell you there are no monsters. Because there are. And I can't say you're safe, when you might not be. And I can't tell you that nothing bad will ever happen again, because we both know that isn't true.

Over.

One day, one day this will all be over. This will be a part of the past, just something that happened that is over now. So don't worry. It won't be forever. It will not be forever.

Sing.

Sing me a song.

Yesterday, a thousand years ago.

I can't believe it's already today. I can't believe time has flown by so fast. It seems like we met yesterday. It seems like we met a thousand years ago.

Butterfly wishes.

We saw a butterfly soaring over us and flying around us. I told you, "Make a wish." What did you wish for?

The rocks.

And we climbed up the rocks by the falls and listened to the sound of the rushing water. And all was well in the world.

Please, believe this.

You are not worthless.

The storytime.

I want to remember that moment forever. We lit candles and we sat around in a circle and we stayed up into the morning telling each other stories. I want to remember the sounds of your voices.

Climb.

Let's climb mountains.

The deserve.

You deserve a wonderful life.

The music that night.

Remember the music we listened to that night? And how every song seemed to fit perfectly?